A few weeks before Christmas, Stephanie and I were doing a little shopping since we both had the day off. In nursing school, these days were coined "Stephanie and Tara's Day of Fun!" by her mom, Paula because she was jealous that she didn't get to hang out with us and fuck around on facebook rather than studying for our Maternal & Child Health Nursing class because we would always decide that we were just going to "wing it" and not study. (We both passed the class and rest assured that neither of us are labor & delivery nurses now.) Since we are no longer in nursing school and have to do real-world stuff most days, our Days of Fun are sadly few and far between. However, when we do get together, we totally make up for lost time and this day was no exception.
We were doing some Christmas shopping & waiting for Stephanie's dog, Berkley, to be finished at the groomer. We decided to stop at The Great American Cookie Company to get a dozen or so cookies to take to work. (Mostly to rub in those suckers faces that they were stuck there while we had the day off. Yeah, we know. We are asshats.) When we walked up to the cookie kiosk, nobody was there. I walked down to the next kiosk (which happened to be a Sunglasses Hut) and asked the guy if he knew where the cookie man was. "Uh, no. But I think I have the manager's number. Want me to text him?" Nope. I would like to stand here all day waiting for my damn cookies! Hell yes, text him ya fucking douche! While we are waiting for cookie boy to come and give us our damn cookies, I tell Stephanie, "Imma get a good deal on these so be prepared to flash this dude." She says that she's down with this but I suspect otherwise. She is always making big promises like that and not delivering. One of the first times we were shopping together she tried to get me to steal some earrings from Dillard's by saying, "Do it! I would." (I did not steal the earrings.) After what seemed like an eternity (in all actuality was probably closer to 5 minutes) the 17 year old boy comes sauntering over and is all, "Hey. Sorry I wasn't here. I had to go get some supplies and stuff." I smile sweetly at him because I am determined to get something for free and even if that means acting like it wasn't a big deal to wait for 10 minutes just for a few cookies, then I would do it.
Me: "What kind of deal are you going to give us since we had to wait on you?"
Cookie guy: "Ten percent. Best I can do." (Who the fuck does he think he is? Monte Hall?)
Me: "Fine. We will take 10 cookies."
Cookie guy: "Aw-right. What kinds you want?"
Me: "Um, just a sampler"
Cookie guy: "Well, we got, like 15 different kinds"
Me: "Well, you know. Just one or two of each kind."
Cookie guy: ". . . . . "
Me: "Okay, we'll take 2 chocolate chips, 2 oatmeal raisin, 2 Reese's Penis, and 2 of the chocolatey ones."
No sooner did I get the words out of my mouth, I look over at Stephanie and her eyes are the size of Texas and she has a horrified look on her face. Then. It hits me. I realize that I said "penis" to a 17 year old boy. I also realize that at this point, I'm totally alone. She is no sooner going to flash this kid to get free cookies than Bert and Ernie are going to finally come out of the closet and admit that they are, indeed, homos that have been shacking up for the past 40 years. As my face turns 50 shades of red, I look sweetly at the boy and ask how much our total is. He continues to stare and me and Stephanie is DYING of laughter. Which makes me start to giggle like I'm 15 years old. I finally pay the poor boy and we walk away nearly pissing ourselves and I manage to say, "Well, it was the best case scenario. I said penis to a total stranger and you got to keep your top on." Priceless.
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